


to heal

by foggynelson



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 03:18:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9157864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foggynelson/pseuds/foggynelson
Summary: With Jace gone, Simon aches for his soulmate. His soulmate, who can't stand him. His soulmate, who hates him. His soulmate, that no matter how hard he tries, he can't save.





	

Simon starts to physically ache every time he thinks about his soulmate. It’s been this way for awhile. Before he met his soulmate, the aching was different, a begging, a longing for his soulmate to be in his life. Now that he’s met his soulmate, it’s different. It’s more painful, sharp, leaving Simon confused as he sits in the dark, alone.

He’s been staying at Magnus’, which is nice. Magnus is great, even if he likes to pretend he doesn’t know Simon’s name. He never lets Simon go hungry and he lets him tag along any time he goes to the Institute. Things are chaos there. With the war coming, with the clave watching everything everyone does, with Jace gone… With Jace gone…

Simon’s stomach twists at the thought of Jace. He pushes the thoughts away. There’s little he can do now. Or ever. There was nothing he was ever able to do right when it came to Jace. Ever since their first meeting, things were rough and messy and they only continued to grow that way. Simon wanted to - wants to - change that, but he can’t manage to, can’t say the right thing, can’t fix Jace’s problems. Especially now with Jace gone. There’s literally nothing Simon can do to help and he hates it.

He’s tried to help Alec and Clary and Isabelle in their search, but they push him away. “This doesn’t concern you,” Alec tells him one day. Clary looks at him with sympathy, but she doesn’t say anything. Simon nods and walks off. The thing is - Alec is wrong. This does concern him. Everything to do with Jace concerns him. That’s the problem.

Then again, Simon supposes it’s his fault for not telling anyone that Jace is his soulmate. Not even Clary. He wants to. He wants to tell everyone but… Well, let’s just say that Jace being gone isn’t the only thing keeping them from being together. There’s the fact that Jace hates Simon. Simon would have thought it would be physically impossible to hate your soulmate, but Jace manages it somehow anyway. 

Simon supposes it’s possible that Jace isn’t his soulmate, that someone else will speak those exact words to him at some other point in life but… Simon tells himself this but it doesn’t change how he feels. Even if Jace isn’t his soulmate, it doesn’t make Simon any less in love with him. Which feels pathetic. Who falls in love with someone that hates them? Simon Lewis apparently.

There’s a light knock on the door. Simon tells the person to come in. Magnus opens the door. It’s the middle of the night and Simon is surprised that Magnus is awake. 

“They found Jace,” Magnus tells him. The words pass over Simon and take a few moments before they actually hit him. Simon’s eyes widen and he quickly stands up, looking around the room for his phone and his jacket so he can get the hell out of here and to wherever Jace is.

“Woah buddy, calm down,” Magnus says, walking over to him. He places his hands on Simon’s biceps and holds him still. “They have to go get him. Just Alec, Isabelle, and Clary are going. It’s going to be a quick stealth mission. Get him and leave.”

“I can help!” Simon whines although he’s not sure how. Magnus gives him a look, reminding him of just that. Simon sighs. He wants to help. He _has_ to help. But he understands that he’s not very useful, only barely managing to control his powers. He can’t fight. He can’t save Jace - despite wanting nothing more than just that.

“The three of them are gonna get him. It’s going to be fine,” Magnus tells him, his voice soft and soothing. And Magnus gives him this look and Simon is sure that he knows. That somehow, despite Simon not telling anyone, Magnus knows Jace and him are soulmates. Simon swallows, a lump in his throat. 

“You want to go to the Institute and be there when they return?”

Simon doesn’t even think of words, instead he’s looking for his phone and his jacket again. When he has them, he turns to Magnus and says, “Let’s go.” Magnus nods and proceeds to open up a portal.  


* * *

  
The waiting is the hard part. Magnus tells Simon that he would know if something had happened. Simon isn’t sure if he means that Alec would call and tell him or if Magnus would magically know or if it was some soulmate thing between him and Alec. Simon wasn’t sure, but he focuses on those words, on the thought that things are going okay.

When finally the front doors of the Institute open, Simon is running over there. Alec and Isabelle are holding Jace up, his arms wrapped around their shoulders as they carry him. Clary is walking just behind him and Simon can tell she’s been crying. Simon wants to comfort her, but he’s too worried about Jace to do anything else. 

They carry him into his room. He doesn’t have any visible injuries on him and Simon can’t smell any blood, but he’s weak and barely present. Simon’s whispered his name half a dozen times and gotten nothing in return. They lay him down in his bed and everyone turns to leave but Simon.

“Give me just a moment,” Simon says at the three who are looking at him, confused. 

“Simon, now’s not the time for you to two to fight or for you to make some sarcastic comment to him,” Clary comments. Her voice is bitter, sharp, and Simon has to remind himself that this isn’t personal. 

“Please,” Simon whispers. Clary opens her mouth to say something else, but Magnus appears and whispers something to her. Simon hopes he’s not telling her, but at the same almost wishing she was. He hates holding this all in. He wants to tell his best friend he’s in love, even if the person would never love him back.

The four of them leave, Magnus giving Simon a small nod as they walk off. Now that they’re alone, Simon isn’t sure what to do. He wants to hold him and whisper how sorry he is that he didn’t protect him, that he wasn’t there to save him. Simon wants to apologize and magically make everything okay. He can only begin to imagine how Jace is feeling right now.

Unsure of what else to do, Simon reaches out and holds Jace’s hand. He expects Jace to pull away but whether he’s too weak to do or he actually wants to hold Simon’s hand (as if), Jace doesn’t let go. 

Simon sits at his bedside with him and does nothing but look at him and ache. Everything inside of him hurts, every inch of his body is in pain - except his hand that’s holding to Jace. There’s a warmth there that Simon hasn’t felt in ages. 

He’s not sure why he does, what exactly brings him to do it, but Simon whispers a small, “I love you,” out into the world. It’s soft and small enough that it’s possible Jace didn’t hear it. Simon’s not sure if he’d rather have Jace hear it or not. But it feels amazing to say, the words feel good as they leave his mouth and Simon starts to repeat it over and over again until Simon is suddenly crying. 

And Simon doesn’t know if Jace is awake, doesn’t know if Jace can understand his sobs, but Simon decides that he hopes he can. He wants Jace to know. He wants everyone to know. Because even if Jace will never love him, he loves Jace. And that’s what matters. What matters is that Jace is loved and cared for and Simon is going to ensure that no matter what.  


* * *

  
Days pass. Jace is asleep for most of it. Everyone takes turn visiting him. Clary apologized for having been rude to Simon, which he accepts. He understands. Completely. Of course. Everyone is on edge, though, waiting around to see when Jace will get better - if he gets better.

Magnus healed internal wounds that were there, but Simon knows that are other wounds, deeper, that Magnus cannot touch. Simon doesn’t know how to fix those. He wants to. He remembers being a child and his mother kissing his “boo-boos”. He remembers stories where true love’s kiss saves the princess. He wonders if his kisses could do the same. Heal him. Save him.

Not that he tries. Simon doesn’t often go around kissing people who are unconscious. Not really his style. But he does visit Jace multiple times a day, he whispers that he loves him, and sometimes he’ll hold his hand. 

Simon likes to tell him happy stories. Things about his past with Clary - the fun things they used to do together. He talks about Luke and Jocelyn and his mother and sister. He tells Jace all the things that matter to him - books, movies, comics, even telling Jace his favourite flower (sunflower). 

One day, when Jace is asleep, Simon finds himself crying again. He hasn’t since that first night, but here he is, blood running down his face. “I’ve missed you,” he says, voice small. “I was so scared I would never get you back. That I would never see you again. I don’t know what I would have done. You mean… you mean so much to me, Jace. You mean everything. I need you and you might not need or want me, but I love you so much. I’m so glad you’re home.”

Simon looks up, wiping his eyes on his sleeve, and sees Alec standing in the doorway. Simon’s breath catches in his throat, his eyes wide as he looks at the other. Alec gives him this knowing look, this look of understanding and almost care. He offers a small smile and nods before walking off. Simon starts to cry again.

He’s about to get up and leave, find some tissues, and hide away for a few years when suddenly Alec is back. He hands a box of tissues to Simon. Simon wipes his eyes and his face and expects Alec to leave, but he lingers.

“You’re soulmates, aren’t you?” Alec asks, looking down at Simon, who nods. “I may not be your biggest fan, but I’m glad Jace has someone who loves him so much. He deserves it.”

“He hates me, though,” Simon replies.

“He doesn’t. _I_ don’t even hate you. Jace… Jace has a hard time with emotions. And I can’t imagine things being any easier now. You’ve got to be patient with him. He’s had a lot of people hurt him.”

“I won’t. I would never. I could never.”

“Good,” Alec says. “As his big brother, I will kill you if you hurt him.”

“Ah, but I’m a vampire now. I’m immortal,” Simon jokes.

Alec rolls his eyes and walks off. Simon looks at Jace and, once again, wants nothing more than to heal him, protect him, make him better and keep him safe. “I love you,” he whispers one last time, kisses his forehead, and then leaves.  


* * *

  
It takes time, but Jace is training again. He can’t beat Alec like he used to, but he can beat Clary some. Isabelle is no match for him, but on occasion she does let him win. Jace always smiles and hugs her when she does. 

Simon spends much of his time at the institute now. Alec has started training him, saying, “If we’re gonna have a vampire around, he better at least be able to fight.” He’s not as good of a trainer as Raphael, but he’s good and Simon gets stronger, faster, becoming more of an asset to the team.

He’s tried, but Simon can’t ever bring himself to talk to Jace. He wants to, but he’s always just holding himself back, unable to say the words that he needs to say. Even hello is too much for him and he hides every time Jace seems to be heading in his direction. Still, Simon likes being this close to him.

Sometimes he’ll stand outside the training room and watch Jace. He’s still so strong and skilled and, despite all that he has been through, is one of the most skilled people Simon knows. He’ll watch him and run his fingers over his tattoo, hearing the words in his mind, remembering Jace’s voice when he said it:

“We don’t have the luxury now, kid.” 

That whole night was shaky and scary and he didn’t even realize that Jace had said those words - _the_ words to him - until they were inside and Jace was grabbing hold of his hand. 

Simon thinks about it, remembers it, and watches Jace. He and Clary are sparring and Clary’s gotten him on the mat a few times, but Jace is not giving up. They continue to fight and Jace watches them. They’ve both grown so much, changed so much in the past while they’ve all been together. His mundane life feels so long ago, even though it wasn’t that far off.

Clary knocks Jace down again and this time he doesn’t get up right away. Simon is quick and by his side within a second, leaning down next to him. “You okay?” he asks, his hand reaching out and grabbing hold of his bare arm.

“Yeah, thanks,” Jace replies and there’s softness there and Simon smiles. He stands up and then proceeds to pull Jace off the ground. 

“Round two?” Jace questions, looking at Clary.

Before she can answer, though, Simon says, “Nope. You need a break. Time for you to lie down for a bit.” Then, without even thinking, Simon picks Jace up in his arms and carries him, bridal style, to his room. Even more surprising, though, is that Jace rests his head on Simon’s chest as they walk.

Simon lays Jace down in his bed, pulling the covers over him. He starts to walk off when Jace whispers, “You could stay.” It’s small and Simon is sure that he’s imagining it because… Jace wouldn’t say that to him? Right? But Simon turns around and Jace is looking at him with sincerity and Simon turns and walks back towards him.

He kneels on the side of the bed, like he has before, and he grabs hold of Jace’s hand. It’s nice and soft and sweet and Simon can’t help but smile. Simon lets out a small yawn a moment later, causing Jace to turn to look at him.

“Um, if you want, you can lie here with me. You must be tired. It is day time after all.” And Simon can’t argue with that logic. It is midday and he is _exhausted_. Still, he doesn’t feel like he belongs next to Jace, no matter how much he wants to. But Jace moves over to one side of the bed and pats the spot next to him. Simon, unable to say no, slides into bed next to him.

They’re facing each other and Simon doesn’t know what to do or how to act. He wants to reach out and touch him, to hold him, to kiss him, but these are things he can’t do. Jace’s eyes are open and he watches Simon. Simon, however, keeps his eyes down, unable to look at the other.

“I heard everything, you know,” Jace says a moment later. “Well, probably not everything, but I heard enough.”

“What… what are you talking about?” Simon stammers out, afraid.

“You love me,” Jace replies and Simon freezes. Yes, he wanted Jace to know, but actually having Jace know? A totally different story. He never actually imagined Jace would know, that he would have heard him.

But there’s no point in denying it. What would that do? So Simon says, “I do. Of course I do,” and hopes for the best.

“I…” Jace starts, but holds off, taking in a deep breath. “I don’t totally get emotions all the time and love is… I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like but… I care about you, Simon. A lot. I thought about you all the time when I was away. I missed you.”

Part of Simon is sure that this is a joke. It’s sweet and romantic and beautiful, which means it obviously can’t be real, can’t be happening to him. And yet… there is nothing but love on Jace’s face, love and sincerity and Simon thinks, maybe…. Yeah, maybe Jace cares about him, too. 

Simon shifts himself closer over to Jace until their bodies are pressed together. Jace reaches out and puts his hand under Simon’s shirt, running his fingers along his hip, the touch light, sending goosebumps across Simon’s skin.

“What’s this?” Jace asks as his fingers run along Simon’s soulmate tattoo. Simon gulps. He pulls the covers off him and pulls his shirt up so Jace can see the words. Moments pass before Jace says, “That’s what I said to you, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Simon replies, looking up at Jace. Simon assumed that Jace knew they were soulmates, unsure of how he could not know at this point. But Jace seems surprised, even moreso as tears begin to run down his face.

“Shit,” Jace says, reaching up and wiping his eyes. “You’re my soulmate?”

“Yeah,” Simon replies again. “I thought you knew.” Simon pauses and then asks, “What does your tattoo say?” Because, rare as they are, there are some people whose soulmates don’t match, some people who are made for one person, but the other isn’t made for them. And, of course, that would be Simon’s luck. 

“I don’t have one,” Jace replies.

“What do you mean? Everyone has one.” Simon’s never heard of anyone not having a soulmate tattoo. 

“Look, I don’t have one,” Jace says, sitting up and taking his shirt off. Simon looks over him, sees runes all across his skin, but no soulmate tattoo. Then, in the same spot on him where Simon’s tattoo is, there’s a scar. 

“What’s this?” Simon asks, lighting running his fingers over the old wound.

“I don’t know. I’ve had it as long as I can remember,” Jace replies.

“I wonder…” Simon says, holding off. “It’s the same place as my tattoo. And soulmate tattoos are in the same place I wonder… I wonder if yours used to be there.”

Jace looks over at the scar and runs his fingers over it as well. His fingers touch Simon’s and they grasp together. “My father probably took it off. I wouldn’t be surprised, with all his talk of how love hurts you and hinders you. He never wanted me to be in love. Fuck.” Jace looks down. “I thought I was too messed up to have a soulmate. I thought… I thought I was completely unlovable. Fuck him. Fuck _him_.” Jace is crying again and Simon lets go of his hand so he can pull Jace into his arms.

“I am so sorry,” he whispers. He says it again and again and then switches to saying, “I love you. I love you so much. You are lovable. You are wonderful and good and _fuck_ Valentine. We still found each other. I love you. I will always love you.”

Jace pulls himself away from Simon and looks at him. They look at each other and Simon… Simon doesn’t know all of what he’s feeling. It’s a mixture of anger and rage and annoyance and love and happiness and softness. He reaches up and cups Jace’s face.

“I love you,” he says again. “And maybe that’s hard to hear and maybe that’s hard to understand. But I’m gonna live a very long time and I will use all of that time making sure you know just how much I love you.”

Jace reaches out, placing his hand on the back of Simon’s neck and pulls him into a kiss. It’s sweet and soft and Simon has never felt love like he does right now. They part and Jace is smiling. There are still hints of tears in eyes. But he’s smiling. He looks… happy. And that’s all Simon’s ever wanted.

And, yeah, maybe this kiss didn’t heal Jace, didn’t save him. But... it’s a start.

**Author's Note:**

> I started this fic back in August and it was just... really hard for me to write some reason. But here I am, finally, with it posted. One day before season two. Talk about amazing timing.


End file.
